The Real Draco Malfoy
by LyssaQuill
Summary: Parody of 'The Real Slim Shady' by Eminem. Hilarious- it's a must read if I do say so myself! R&R please! *COMPLETE*


A/N: Hey! I wrote this like a million years ago (just ask Jackie... we read it over and over all the time) and I never put it up because there were others like it so I felt bad but oh well. If you don't know the tune of "The Real Slim Shady" by Eminem, I suggest to go familiarize yourself wiht it before reading on.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the song of which this is parodized, or Draco. I wish I owned Draco. Merlin, that would be so hott... anyway, I'm going to go fantasize now, and you can read my filk! Yay!  
  
Rating: R because of language, sexual situations and all that shit.  
  
Other works by this author: I dunno. Go to my username thing and read them. just don't read 'Sacrificer's Sight". It's the longest one (4 whole chapters) and the only one not worth your time. The resta re short and good. ok. That's all. Time for 'The Real Draco Malfoy'!  
  
THE REAL DRACO MALFOY  
  
May I have your attention please?  
  
May I have your attention please?  
  
Will the real Draco malfoy please stand up?  
  
I repeat, will the real Draco malfoy please stand up?  
  
We're gonna have a problem here  
  
Y'all act like ya never seen a Malfoy before  
  
Jaws all on the floor like Ron, Vicky just burst thru the doors  
  
And started stealin your bitch worse than before  
  
They first were on the dance floor, Kissin her ass and wooin' her (Aw!)  
  
It's the return of the...voldemort!  
  
"Ah, wait, no way, you're kidding,  
  
he didn't just say what I think he did, did he?"  
  
And Professor Snape says said...  
  
Nothing you idiots! Professor Snape's dead, he's locked in my dungeons! (Ha!)  
  
Hermione Granger loves Draco yeah  
  
ticka ticka ticka "that Draco, I'm sick of him  
  
Look at him, walking around, showin off all his cash,  
  
In league with you-know-who, yeah,  
  
but he's so cute though!"  
  
Yeah, I probably got a couple of screws in my blonde head loose  
  
But the worst is what's going on in McGonagall's bedroom  
  
Sometimes, I wanna stand up and let loose but I cant.  
  
But it's cool for Harrys dad to turn in to a big moose (Prongs)  
  
"Illegal Animagis are hip! Illegal Animagus are hip!"  
  
And they get saved by Harry Potter from receiving the Dementor's Kiss! And that is the message that we deliver to all the kids, and expect them to think that the Dark Lord is a dick,  
  
Of course they gonna what the Crucatius curse is,  
  
By the time they hit fourth year,  
  
They got Mad Eye Moody teachin' them don't they?" We ain't nothing but witches,  
  
Well, some of us bitches- who stand around all day- and wait for Potter to say "hey" (Ginny)  
  
But if we can learn about the unforgiveable curses,  
  
Then there's no reason why the Dark Lord should not take the world,  
  
But if you feel like I feel, I got the anecdote,  
  
Hermione is a stupid hoe, sing the chorus and it goes!  
  
I'm Draco Malfoy, yes I'm the real Malfoy  
  
All you other Draco Malfoys are just little blond boys,  
  
So won't the real Draco Malfoy please stand up?  
  
Please stand up, please stand up  
  
Cuz I'm the real Malfoy, yes I'm the real Malfoy  
  
All you other Draco malfoys are just little blond boys  
  
So won't the real Draco malfoy please stand up?  
  
Please stand up, please stand up  
  
Potter don't gotta say Mudblood in his insults to get laughter,  
  
Well I do, so Fuck him, and fuck you too!  
You think I give a damn about that Pansy?  
  
Half of you students can't even stomach me, let alone stand me  
  
"But draco, what if they did, wouldn't it be weird?"  
  
Why? So you guys could just lie to get me here?  
  
So you can sit me here next to my Slytherin peers,  
  
Hermione Mudblood Granger better switch me chairs, so I can sit next to scarface Potter and that Weasley Jerk,  
  
And hear them argue over who she gave head to first.  
  
You little bitch, put me on blast in the corridor,  
  
I got the bitch back by making her teeth grow even more.  
  
I should download her audio on MP3 and show the whole school  
  
how she screamed that she" wanted her Snapey!" (Spank)  
  
I'm sick of you little girls and boys here,  
  
All you do is annoy me, so I have been sent here to destroy you,  
  
And there's a million of us just like me  
  
Jr. Death Eaters like me; who just don't give a fuck like me  
  
Who dress like me; walk, talk and act like me  
  
And just might be the next worst thing but not quite me!  
  
I'm Draco Malfoy, yes I'm the real Malfoy  
  
All you other Draco malfoys are little blond boys  
  
So won't the real Draco Malfoy please stand up?  
  
Please stand up, please stand up  
  
Cuz I'm the real Malfoy, yes I'm the real Malfoy  
  
All you other Draco Malfoys are little blond boys  
  
So won't the real Draco Malfoy please stand up?  
  
Please stand up, please stand up  
  
I'm like a head trip to listen to cuz I'm only giving you  
  
Things you joke about with your friends inside your common room  
  
The only difference is I got the balls to say it  
  
In front of y'all and I don't gotta be nice and spare anyone at all  
  
I just put on a sneer spit it and whether you like to admit it  
  
I just shit it better than 90 percent of you wizards out there  
  
Then you wonder how can kids grow up to be evil like Pettigrew  
  
It's funny cuz at the rate I'm going when I'm 30  
  
I'll be the only person in the Three Broomsticks flirtin'  
  
Pinching Rosmerta's ass when I'm jacking off or jerkin'  
  
cos she won't tell me where she goes when shes not workin'  
  
And in every single person is a Draco Malfoy lurkin'  
  
He could be working at Honeydukes spitting in your Bertie Botts flavor puke  
  
Or on the quidditch pitch, circling, screaming "I don't give a fuck!"  
  
With his trousers down his robes flying up  
  
So, will the real Draco Malfoy please stand up?  
  
And put one of those fingers on each hand up?  
  
And be proud to be have an evil mind and be outta control  
  
And one more time, loud as you can, how does it go?  
  
I'm Draco Malfoy, yes I'm the real Malfoy  
  
All you other Draco Malfoys are just little blond boys,  
  
So won't the real Draco Malfoy please stand up?  
  
Please stand up, please stand up  
  
Cuz I'm Draco Malfoy, yes I'm the real Malfoy  
  
All you other Draco Malfoys are just little blond boys,  
  
So won't the real Draco Malfoy please stand up?  
  
Please stand up, please stand up  
  
Ha ha  
  
Guess there's a Draco in all of us  
  
Fuck it, let's all stand up  
A/N: ok! So, what did you think? Like? Dislike? Your comments are appreciated. And flames are great because Eminem gets flames too lol. Arite, lataz.  
  
PS- this is dedicated to Jackie and Stephanie, whose lives would be incomplete without Marshall. 


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